[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
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Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Leaving the Barbers like
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?