me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
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1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.