My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
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-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
When you let grandma cat sit
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
When I laugh on my period
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw