Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
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My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Botany good plants lately?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
#oldknees
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted