When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
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at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing