Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
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Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket