my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
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[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.