Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
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Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.