I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
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Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
The Sun
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.