I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
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Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
A fake ID that makes you younger
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food