Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Boom, boom, ching!
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
looks legit
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.