ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Schrödinger’s cookie
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok