What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
That’s incredible! 👌
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
How actors in movies eat their food
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out