My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
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I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?