asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
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guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
not seeing the problem
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”