i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
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Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.