Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
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We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf