How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
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Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
😩😩😩
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
The little toadstool has spoken.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!