Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
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Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Ain’t no way
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out