If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
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*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.