*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
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lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people