People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
SCARY COSTUME
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
what could possibly go wrong?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid