I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
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I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder