Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 馃槓
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The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I鈥檝e seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I鈥檝e had to send in a long time.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHR脰DINGER: give me both at the same time
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I鈥檒l have to date a were-chicken.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I鈥檓 great at dating
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it鈥檚 mammal time
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Friend: Don鈥檛 you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Digital security in Ancient Troy