If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
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jesus christ confetti not now
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night