“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
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[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE