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Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.