[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
You Might Also Like
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.