Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
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My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47