God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
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[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas