Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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Hamburger Hinderer.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.