Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
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Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?