Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
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Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.