i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
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[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Finally, an explanation.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.