It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
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Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.