Squirrel having fun.. 😅
You Might Also Like
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Weighing up my bread heating options
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high