Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
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doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.