forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
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While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant