reverse psychology? that’ll never work
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Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.