[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
You Might Also Like
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
If you need a laugh.. 😅
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.