*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Noah
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.