some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
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In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.