I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
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The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.