Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
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It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I’m so full I could puke a horse
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?