Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
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[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.