me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.