ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
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Based Erika
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.