mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
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Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him