Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
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Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet