It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
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It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height